I remember sitting down as football returned in the 'first' lockdown in England. It was a game streamed live from South Korea on Copa90's YouTube channel. I sat down to watch and as the game went on, the realisation that the football fan I once was, or at least I thought I once was, has been changing for years.
As you break football down bit by bit to the bare bones of what the game is, then you start to find out more about yourself as a football fan. Football stripped back down to its core of 22 people kicking a ball around a field, controlled by a referee in the middle, becomes a pretty mundane concept in my mind. A lack of substance and character. A lack of emotional value.
During this pandemic, I had a lot of realisations about myself as a person. The first is that as a creative person, I was too busy being focused on how to monetise what I do rather than producing art for the fulfilment and enjoyment of doing so. The second? Well, that is a realisation that crumbles the very being I once thought I was throughout my teenage years.
In school, I remember sitting in an English classroom with a close mate and our English teacher producing a YouTube podcast, focusing on the analysis of the weekend's games and transfer stories. From this came my urge to be a football journalist and from then, that is what I pursued. My focus was entirely on the happenings on the pitch, the transfer stories off the pitch and exploring tactical analysis too. Part of me still wishes I stuck this out, pursuing that journalism career I devoted myself to.
But I didn't. As I ventured through high school and sixth form, my desire to become a journalist collapsed. It went from this pure addiction to football, sitting in on Friday and Saturday nights to stream whatever game I could get a hold of, to a shift in focus and a differing of interests.
The finding of the football fan within me has been a journey through time of ups and downs, where I have become strongly uninterested in football and instead looked to other interests to obsess over. I undertook a marketing degree due to my falling out with the strenuous culture of football journalism. I took this pathway because as I grew from a high school student to a young adult, I became a lot more creative. I started photography. I started designing stuff. I was more fascinated by art and all that surrounds it rather than analysis, writing and breaking news. In terms of football, this went from the on-pitch stuff to the sidelines, where we see fan culture and the creativity within the scene. This shift in focus put me on an endeavour to truly find what football means to me and why I have dedicated my whole life to it.
I think one of my many current fallings out with football centres around elitism. As football has been shifting from its working-class roots to be ruined by the top-level greedy capitalists who run it, the more I have fallen out of love. When I watched Real Madrid win back to back Champions Leagues or when a discussion over a European Super League started to gain pace, I knew the reason why I am a football fan was going to alter. The big chiefs in football are sucking the soul out of the game. I hate it. I hate the fact that the people in the game have to suffer whilst the rich line their pockets with their money.
Growing as a person has made me focus more on the importance of fan culture, the need for a culture surrounding the game and how this whole aspect of football is the main driver of why this game is so good. Watching football during a pandemic just proves how, without fans, football has no substance. I love German football. The reason? The fans and the fan culture they have in the game. Watching the Bundesliga without fans was brutal. Whilst the football is good in that league, I felt empty when watching. The pandemic showcased a potential dystopia in football that I'd not shy away from predicting being almost inevitable.
And as I have been finding the fan within me, it hasn't just been this aspect, the aspect where I look to fan culture rather than the pitch. It's the players themselves that have been pushing me away from the game I once loved. No footballers, for reasons off the pitch, interest me one little bit. I constantly look backwards. I look back towards the late Diego Maradona, Socrates, Ronaldinho and Johan Cruyff. Why? Because my heart needs more than what football is offering today, in 2020. Instead of watching the football on the weekend, I am diving into Maradona documentaries. Or I am watching old Ronaldinho clips. Or I'm learning more about Socrates as a character. I long for this historic football input into my life because I have nothing to look forward to as the hope for a game I can love again climbs higher and higher away from my reach.
Justin Salhani, a friend of mine, stated on Twitter that football has become 'more scientific and less magical'. As soon as I read those words, I sat there startled at the fact that this exact phrase defines my thoughts. Whilst it is such a simple phrase, it perfectly defines modern football. I suppose this is the largest part of why I am falling out with the game. The focus is on stats, diets and nutrition, tactics, data, VAR, et cetera. It is all uninteresting and pushed me toward disconnecting with football. The magic attaches you and, whilst many are interested in the data and the statistical analysis, without the magic then the game to me is just a shell with nothing inside.
I have become lost. Lost as a football fan, strolling aimlessly through historical archives to feel something again. I don't want to hate on modern football. I don't. But it's making it very hard not to do so. I've grown up with modern football and it has had some wonderful moments over time. However, what I am worried about is the direction of the game and where it is currently heading. 2020 has given us an insight into this future and it has had me embark on this quest to understand what I adore about this game now.
Whilst this falling out is centred around watching football and how the modern game is evolving into a capitalist beast that is losing its magic, the longing for social connections that blossom around football to return is rife. The pandemic has showcased the importance of pubs, meeting with friends and fans in the stadiums to watch football. I've realised throughout this year that I never go out or meet up for football as the main aspect. I go for that social benefit, to speak to people and to bond. The game is just an added bonus, something for us to all sink our teeth into and connect over. When you take this essence away, I'm no longer that interested. I long for the time this returns. For when I can go down to the pub, watch some football and share some stories over a pint. I don't think this will solve my disconnect with football as it changes but it will definitely ease it. Day by day, football changes and evolves, most of the time not for the good.
To be honest, like many others, I wrote off 2020 as a year ages ago. This means my motivation to focus on football, to invest myself into the game this year and to sincerely devote myself to it like I did pre-pandemic was written off with it. As the year went on, the realisations came to the forefront of my mind as I explored what this game now means to me. I still don't know the answer. Hopefully, 2021 brings some magic from the game. I hope we see fans return to stadiums and I count down the days where football becomes a social event again. Until then, it is just hope and I will cling on and wait for my love to fully return.
Many factors have played a part in this falling out. VAR, FIFA corruption, UEFA corruption, European Super Leagues, Real Madrid dominance, constant corporatisation of tournaments, lack of focus on fan wishes, TV subscriptions, ticket prices and the list goes on. The pandemic has given me a chance to take a look at football, analyse what it means to me and find myself as a football fan. I hope that this dystopian future for football, where money and viewing figures are the main focus rather than the people and the communities, is stopped but I highly doubt that will be the case based on the current situation. The game is in a sorry state and it is only getting worse. Football is slowly losing its soul meaning we are all losing a bit of ours with it.
